FANTASY

FANTASY

Fantasy can be a great way to increase you and your partner's sexual pleasure. Fantasy can be used alone, with a partner, or even in a group. With the use of fantasy, you can go anywhere, be anyone and do anything. In some ways, the use of fantasy is the best sexual technique possible. It's cheap, it's easy, it's yours, and best of all, the world will become yours, and you are the master.

Frequent concerns that people have when using fantasy

1) What does it say about me, or my partner that I / she/ he uses fantasy? What if my fantasy is to be raped? - and I enjoy it?

2) How will fantasy influence my sexual relationship? What if I decide that I like fantasy better than the real thing? What if I fantasize and do not tell my partner about it? Can we still be as close? Shouldn't my partner be enough to turn me on without using any type of aid? Most people, including married people, fantasize. Fantasies can include imagining your partner sucking harder on your nipples, taking more of your penis into his mouth, having her put her finger inside of you as she nibbles on your clitoral hood, thinking about how the person sitting across the bar from you might approach you and ask if he can buy you a drink. Fantasy is simply a way for people to imagine themselves having an intimate sexual experience in a lot of different ways. Fantasy is all inclusive and is not limited to just penile-vaginal intercourse.

Fantasies vary a lot from person to person. Some fantasies are about past lovers, friends or even people you have never met in person. Other fantasies are more related to setting; in a lighthouse, under a bed, in a car etc. Fantasies can focus on someone of the same - sex , yourself, and/or an inanimate object. There are no rules. Sometimes people feel upset by their fantasies because it does not include their partner. If this is the case one way to deal with your feelings is by focusing on the positive effects that these fantasies have on you and your partner's sexual relations.

1) Your increased arousal is something that you bring to the relationship.

2) Fantasy is an effective way of getting into a sexual mood. Fantasy helps you leave your worries about parenthood, and work behind and focus on the moment.

3) Fantasy is a way for you to take responsibility for your own level of arousal. You do not need to depend upon your partner to do all the physical and mental work for you. Fantasies are just that. Fantasy. Just because you fantasize about having an orgy, getting whipped, beating a loved one, or having sex in front of a live audience does not mean that you want these fantasies to become reality. Fantasy and behavior are two very different things.

For those of you who are still having negative feelings about your fantasies. Try discussing them with a friend or a partner (whichever feels less threatening). How do you know that you are having negative feelings about your fantasies? In what ways is it preventing/ increasing your sexual pleasure? Where did you learn to feel guilty? Whom else do you know that fantasizes? When was the first time you can remember fantasizing? How often does it occur? In what ways could you imagine your partner enhancing your fantasy? Have you ever tried constructing a joint fantasy? How is it similar? How is it different?

Most people can shrug off the fantasy of having their partner want to be sexual with a famous movie star because the chances of that fantasy ever becoming reality are quite small. In comparison, the fantasy that is most difficult to discuss is the one about a close friend. This fantasy seems to cause the greatest insecurities in the other partner. Yet, having sexual thoughts about lots of people is normal. Acting out on thoughts (while normal) does not always follow fantasy. The difference between fantasy and reality is behavior. In fact, usually if a partner is willing to take the risk to tell you about their 'fantasy' and risk your jealousy, they are coming to you because they trust you and want to get closer with you. They are not doing this because they are going to act on their behavior.

Written by "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW

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